Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
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The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak