@internetluke My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
@Tbone7219 Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
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@internetluke 
@KentWGraham I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
@iwearaonesie “Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
@Lisa_Laughs_ I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
@skylerhanrath *training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
@seandunn76 This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
@squirrel74wkgn Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
@ozzyunc I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
@casual_koala Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
@Shariv67 After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.