Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I finally found a reason to live again.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community