@Tbone7219

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

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@internetluke

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

@KentWGraham

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

@iwearaonesie

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

@skylerhanrath

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

@seandunn76

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

@ozzyunc

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.