Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?