Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
? 💀
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.