Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
looks legit
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Cucumbers Anonymous
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Speak now or ever hold your peace
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.