Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.