three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.