Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.