Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Running from your problems is cardio .
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park