Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally