Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
when dads have a rap battle
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like