Thrilling chase underway
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.