*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
The Birdles
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
bugs when you lift up a rock
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.