*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
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roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.