I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
M: You’re a PEACH!
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.