Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”