Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.