Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.