Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
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This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I love wikipedia
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.