Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.