Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I feel attacked.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.