Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Yup
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?