throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
This headline is a thing of beauty
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.