[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
THIS HEADLINE
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
How times have changed.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper