throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.