[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
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(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.