Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.