Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I love the National Park Service.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*