[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
A French press is when you hug naked
Bond. Trauma bond.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”