[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
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Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I feel attacked.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
