*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell


You can’t spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.


couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom


Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”


My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline


*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.


I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.


“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.