@sageboggs Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
@briancthayer *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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@sageboggs 
@YearOfRat You can’t spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.
@MattOswaltVA couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
@SteveSuckington Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
@Carbosly My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
@crunchenhanced She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
@Token_Geezer The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
@Brianhopecomedy *Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
@Lani_Hayden I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
@beefman138 “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.