@briancthayer

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

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@sageboggs

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

@YearOfRat

You can’t spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.

@MattOswaltVA

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

@Carbosly

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

@crunchenhanced

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

@Token_Geezer

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

@Brianhopecomedy

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

@Lani_Hayden

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

@beefman138

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.