*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Effort made
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him