*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
no
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”