*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi