*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏