Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.