*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Art by Pastelkatto
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?