*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.