*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Happy thanksgiving!
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]