[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..