[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
😜
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
#damn
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice