*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
it’s the silliest best thing
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
She: I like Cats
He:
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.