[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
welcome back
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
put ‘er there pardner!
Every work call, he judges.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.