@DurtMcHurtt

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

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@youlooklikeamom

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

@iRowlf

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

@mortimermaiden

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

@omgshuddup

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

@EllenPallas

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

@philmann

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

@dave_cactus

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

@DrunksWithGuns

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool