*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
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Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.