*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
opening a flower shop called women in stem
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?