*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!