[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
his wife is probably gonna see that
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
A sick whale is called an unwhale
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.