<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
You Might Also Like
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..