BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*sees man stuck in tree
*waits for the other shoe to drop
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!