@UncleDuke1969

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

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@Rollmaninoz

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

@dorsalstream

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@Reverend_Scott

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

@YourMomsucksTho

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

@BurroFuma

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

@Ivsy01

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob