thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
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Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
They grow up so quick
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Steam Forums
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame