Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”