*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
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*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people