*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
What my back needs
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Happy Halloween 🎃
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.