Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
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[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*