Thursday
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich