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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”